But those blogs...well...
They really didn't do anyone any good.
I didn't really mean much of what I said.
And...
I'm not sure that I'm really in the best frame of mind to be calling anyone out on anything.
That being said, if you are reading this and you think I am talking to you...then shame on you! hahaha, but it's probably not you so, disregard.
Recently a friend posted something on her Facebook. You are probably thinking at this point that I really need to get a life and all I ever do is talk about is Facebook, my kid, my husband, my dog, or my illness. Yeah...pretty much, my world is small, sort of the point of having an outlet :-) So, yeah. But you're reading it, so I've gotten you this far.
Anyway - this particular quote was so dead on for my life I had to tell her right away. Here goes,
"There isn't a person you wouldn't love if you could read their story."
Damn. (Sorry Mom.) That sums it up doesn't it?
Crap.
This lesson has been right in front of my ignorant face this whole time. I've been so blind. And I think I've been trying to see it, but at the same time I've been ignoring it.
OK let's go back...way back.
You see, there's this thing. It is sometimes part of EPILEPSY, I put it in all caps because it's bold and it's such a huge part of the story, and I just kind of felt like using caps and it's my blog. So don't judge me, okay?
Ok, back to this thing. Let's call it, an "epileptic break." I'm not 100% it's a real term, but based on 2 neurologists and several people in my support group it is definitely a real thing.
Ok, I'm getting to the point, I promise...hang in there with me. I think it started a few years ago. Anxiety started to build. I was also making some pretty significant changes in my life, but my personality was starting to change. I was going through some messy stuff too - someone was stalking me and unrequited love and friendship issues and boy drama. But the stalking issue was the only drama out of the ordinary. (the stalking issue is a story for another day.)
I think it may have been the stress trigger. From there, the anxiety started to really build. And I don't think it stopped. It kept building through being in weddings, it kept building through job changes, moves, my own wedding, it kept building through a new job in Plainfield and it got worse once I had a baby, I was juggling breast feeding, a stressful job, a husband going back to work and finding a day care. My personality was no longer recognizable. Some friends and family described it as angry, some as plain old stressed, some as anxious. I received a ton of unsolicited advice. Everything from getting babysitters, to having more "private time" with my husband,but none of it worked. And there was a reason that none of it was working and I could never come down from the craziness of the anxiety. The doctors explained that my brain was building up the electrical charge that would be my first seizure. Apparently nothing had caused it but my epileptic break was about to occur. It was not postpartum, like I thought, it was not depression, EPILEPSY was preparing to reveal it's ugly head. And I was going to piss off a lot of people before it did.
The sad thing is, I'm pretty sure I was a bad friend, an angry person, an anxious person and that sucks right before you need a lot of support from people. And it's really hard for people to understand when you had no choice but to act that way. You had an illness, it wasn't you. But at this point it's too late to even explain. You've lost your job, you've lost your friends. And now, after the fact, people have paid you a lot of lip service about being there and now they don't call, they don't write, they don't care. And it feels like it's your fault, but it was out of your hands. It just feels tragic. That's the worst of things.
But, let's go back to the quote, I told you...I am getting there.
Here's the good news. Once you have the epileptic break it's almost like immediate relief once you get on some real medication. You become more like yourself. Wooo! And there's a calm that has come over me that I haven't had in a really long time. It's like I can breathe again. The problem is convincing other people that you've changed when EPILEPSY has controlled your behavior for a while. Plus some of it has made some odd behavioral changes that are kinda difficult to break, but those can change in time too.
The very best part, is that now I can be a better version of myself. There's no more feeling that terrible. Now - a disclaimer - that definitely does NOT mean I am not going through the stages of grief of having this diagnosis or losing my job, losing some friends, having depression etc etc. But I can make strides that I haven't been able to make before. I can TRY. And I can be a better friend. I can listen without being anxious. I wasn't able to do that in the past. Now I just want to invest in really good friendships.
I can listen to everyone's story and take the time. I think I ruled people out in the past because I didn't have time, I made quick judgement because I didn't want to take the time to figure out where they were coming from, I didn't want to "read their story." Now, it seems I cannot get enough. I want to hear all of it from everyone. I want to be a story collector, I want to share in all of the successes and hear all about the triumphs, I want to know about the pain and share in the pain.
There is something about pain. It's like a universal language. When you've had pain and other's know you have pain, you become a magnet to their story of pain. It seems like sharing pain makes it hurt just a little bit less, it's like having someone clean your wound, it doesn't heal it, but it helps it heal just a little bit more and maybe just a little bit faster.
Tonight was a good night. I was with friends. I was with my family and for a little bit, I laughed. I forgot I lost my job and I forgot I was sick. It may have been only a few minutes but that's the best I can do right now. And it felt really good.
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