Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today.

Thats right, woodchuck-chuckers - it's

GROUNDHOG DAY!

gif by Chris Piascik

I have more time at home then I ever dreamed.  Each and every day is like the movie Groundhog Day. I remember a co-worker explaining parenthood this way.  Only in parenthood, you can have some variance of experience with your exposure to the world, which currently I don't have, at least during the week - except when I run outside to try and meet the mailwoman and say hello and grab the mail. (See - more complaining.)  She thinks I'm afraid the package bandit is going to steal my packages when all I want is human connection while the baby is napping!

There's a funny thing about that movie, Groundhog day.  I was complaining - let's say venting - to a friend over the phone one day.  I was comparing my life to that movie in a very negative way, when it dawned on me that the movie is actually very positive.  (Yes, it's also brilliant and stars Bill Murray who is amazing, hilarious, ridiculous etc.) And although the character has his rough times, he eventually comes around and starts learning about the woman he loves.  First it's trickery and superficial.  Then he starts to shift, he actually starts to become a better person, his hobbies become real, he becomes a kinder person. He accepts the change, he embraces it.  And he makes the most of it.  A lot of people would argue that he didn't do it for himself, he did it for the woman he loved in the film...well, okay, maybe that's true.  But, in my own life, in my own Groundhog day, I'd like to find a way back to acceptance and then rebuilding and doing it for me.  Maybe at first I have to do it for my family, my boy, my husband. But I've got to find a way to get back to myself. Find strength from God. I'm not sure how to get there yet.  I think I'm still at the accepting part.

And it hasn't been real pretty.  There's been a lot of snot and swollen eyes, self pity and wallowing.  And let me say I feel really guilty about that because there are many other people, people who have listened to me cry who have been through much worse, life-threatening illness themselves or their family members, and here I am with an inconvenient and invisible illness.  People must have thought I was being a real baby.  And I may not even be done with it that part yet. And I'd totally apologize, if it weren't coming from a complete and honest heartfelt place.  It's where I'm at.

I don't really regret, but I wish I hadn't let so many things bother me in the past, I wish I had gone out more with my friends when I had the chance, even though I'm very optimistic that this situation is temporary. I can't tell you how much I crave live HUMAN PEOPLE!!!!  (Sorry, that sounded really odd, I promise I don't want to eat them.)  And I had a lot more control over how I spent my time then I thought. I always told my staff how to spend their time and then I'd go home and work on budgets and emails and spreadsheets and I was a real hypocrite. (Some of those lies I told myself.)  I miss work, but I could have paced myself differently through the years. I could have led a healthier life if I had allowed myself to be a priority instead of allowing my career to take center stage.  I didn't nurture friendships appropriately. I should have put myself first and cared less about what other people thought or wanted from me/my career.  I could have been less sensitive. Why didn't I do that? I guess easier said than done when your priorities aren't set.

And now, seizure after seizure things become clearer and clearer.  That probably doesn't make a lot of sense.  And I realize I'm going completely out of order and not explaining much about why I'm sick and what is going on.  But that really doesn't matter, it's not relevant today.  What's relevant today is Groundhog Day.