I'm not someone who is interested in the latest trends or things, or money, glamour or superficial things. I'm really interested in healing, health, spirituality, well-being and authenticity. Before any of this happened this past July, I had a done a lot of soul searching regarding friendships and where my life was headed, whether or not money, position, things etc. were the road to happiness. I felt like I had struggled so much to reach a certain point in my career, I hoped that at some point I might work hard enough to finally take a breath and utter the words, "I've arrived." In regards to "things" I'd even rationalized the need for them by having a coupon or getting them on the cheap when the reality was they were another item that I just didn't need. They added to the clutter that was in my house and truly in my life. I was in a sinking boat that was taking on water. Over the past several years I had added on promotions, a couple of moves, a wedding/husband a baby and a new home filled with all of the things I thought the home should have in the suburbs and thought that very soon, the words, "I've arrived" would be falling with ease from my lips.
And to my satisfaction, there were brief moments of bliss, followed by total confusion. All of a sudden, everything seemed difficult. Life seemed like a lie, and the promise that this was a dream and that I was following a plan, well now the boat was sinking and my head was barely above water. All of the things I thought I knew were true about my life, all of the lies I told myself about success and work and priorities were about to slap me across the face into the ground over and over again. But I'll save that story for another day.
For now, I'm re-framing the word "stuck" at home to say that I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to stay home with my almost 1 year old boy and my dog Chance. I may not be able to drive around and it may be cold outside - okay there really is no way to re-frame that! See, I warned you there may be complaining! But, I get to stop, breathe and re-tell myself the story of my life, only this time in a new way.
The new story might go something like this:
The girl who struggled through bad relationships survived, she worked her way up a non-profit job. She succeeded at reaching her goal job and wasn't a failure because she lost that job, instead she continued to thrive because she realized that life goes on and believed that she truly is the mother of invention, just like her friend Eleanor believes her to be.
I'm not finished. I won't ever be. I will win this. But this is my story, this is my survival, and I'm inviting you to encourage me along the way.
Thank you.
"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad." C. S. Lewis
I think this is great and I will try to encourage you as much as possible. I have not been through what you are going through, but in January after many ER visits, MRI's, catscans, a spinal tap, and a blood patch, I was diagnosed with something called Pseudotumor Cerebri aka Intracranial Hypertension which has all the same symptoms of a brain tumor. When my neurologist told me this causes blindness (I had some blind spots in my perefrial vision), and my neuro opthalmologist told me I was restricted from driving, it scared me. I have since been cleared and healed, but my doctors said it could come back if I am not careful (I had to have a 2nd spinal tap in October), but I am doing what I can to keep it away. I have tried my best to keep the faith. I know that God healed me and I had a lot of people praying for me, but I was still scared. I also like photography, finding the beauty in things, I feel that it is a release from the stress of life (painting, music, and poetry/writing are great releases too) I will be praying for you, and I look forward to reading more of your blog. ☺
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily. I think it's so scary when your health comes into question out of nowhere. When symptoms hit, it's almost like a car crash and it comes with it's own set of grief and acceptance. No need for the disclaimer, it sound like your health ordeal has been extremely scary and ER, MRI's and all of your tests are not to be taken lightly. I'm sure it's put a strain on your family as well. Thanks for reading and for your prayers. You are in mine as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you Barbara
DeleteSo glad you are doing this! You are an inspiration!
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