Generosity may come easy but feeling worthy of love can be difficult

With friends and loved ones, I've usually been generous with my effort, resources, skills and money.  Not usually my time, especially as I was working my way up the ladder.

Many times I've said to friends who were struggling with issues (especially poor retail service), "Here, hand me the phone, I'll take care of this for you." But when it came time to speak up for myself, I fell short.  I would back down. (I realize this is a pretty weak example but I think you're following me.) I'll easily stick up for others, but not myself.

In my adult years, coming into my own, I've been comfortable with picking up the check at the end of a meal with friends, but always felt awkward if they offered.  I'd at least try to make them split it.  I'd argue with them, do the "check dance," probably longer than I should, and have difficulty accepting their generosity.

I've been like this in other relationships too. I've felt unworthy of friendships.  I've even said this aloud to a couple of them.  I've judged myself because I've put them on pedestals so far above me that made it impossible for me to feel as though I deserved their friendship or their love.

This issue has even complicated my relationship with God. I have never really felt worthy of God's love. I've never really felt as though I was good enough or deserving enough to go to church. 

And I was always amazed by everything I had and felt it must be due to be luck. I was certain it wasn't based on any of my hard work and that I should count my blessings because it could be gone in an instant. There's no way I could attribute these things to myself...

I have often felt unworthy.

This has been made life difficult in many ways.  

It took terrible seizures and really bad side effects from medication in order for me to change my unhealthy diet and invest in eating in a healthier way.  It took terrible illness in order for me to get decent sleep each night and rest my body.  I don't know why it took epilepsy to make me take a look at the stress, and the whole picture of even just the basics of the way I was living. It took losing control in order to gain some healthy habits. 

Was I living in a way that was good for me?  Or was I just living in auto-pilot? (Sounds like I'm a wannabe Carrie from Sex and the City, but I really don't know. I honestly don't know the answer to those questions, lol.)

I loved my job. I love my family. I love all of the things I worked for.  And I am owning my journey here. So, I hope I don't sound ungrateful at all!  But once I was forced to stop and take care of me, I realized I had never done that before!  And having a baby had only made that worse because that's someone else to take care of, it's a distraction from investing in yourself when you didn't know how to  do it in the first place.

Christmas is passed and it's almost a new year, and I'm going to turn this whole thing around, because that's just the kind of girl that I am :)

I've been struggling with feeling worthy through life, through being sick, through everything. And I won't say I'm done with it.  But a few things have happened recently that have recently made me stop and consider whether or not I am worthy.

Here's the first reason:

Friends

They seem to be coming out of the woodwork.  With messages and kindness and visits and cards. There's too many to thank - or I'd list you all here.


I feel rich and warm and cared for and lucky.  And I didn't ask for any of it and I didn't do anything to deserve it, they have just offered it.  And that's the other thing, the offers-for help, for rides, for conversations, for parties. There aren't any expectations for returns, no questions about money for gas, no favors asked for in return, no hope for anything in exchange.  Just kindness headed in my direction, for my family, gifts for Brock.  It's a wonderful life and it's mine.

Here's the second reason:

A Random Act of Kindness

Someone dropped a gift off for my family on Christmas Eve.  I don't want to go into too much detail because I don't want to distract from the meaning of the gift. What I will tell you is to read a book, it's a New York Times Best Seller, it's called The Christmas Jar.  The book will give you the explanation if you are really interested. Our family plans to pay the gift forward to another family in the future.

What's important about the gift isn't what's tangible, it's that it was given. To us, for someone to make us feel worthy, cared for and loved.  I ran outside once I saw the gift to instantly return it to the gift giver.  I felt like there had to be someone else more deserving, maybe someone who needed it more, wanted it more, had a situation more serious than mine. And I realized that it would have been a mistake to do that. I think I understand better how important it is to be able to receive love as much as it is to be able to be generous.

I'm so extremely grateful for this lesson. I wish it hadn't taken me this long to understand, (but it could have taken a lot longer.)  I hope I don't forget. I guess I'll have this documented as a reminder of life lessons to turn to when I return back to an ordinarily healthy life so that I can remind myself what life is like when you have so much time to think and sort out so many thoughts and find lessons in the midst of a house in the suburbs with no place to go, a 1 year old, at&t cable, hulu, amazon prime, and some books to read. Until then, I'll keep searching for meaning...