It's as plain as the dinosaur on your floor...

Miss me?

It's been a really long time since I've written. Well, that's the first thing I'll admit to, it's been a really long time since I've shared anything I've written. Maybe that's because I felt I couldn't be honest, but if you care at all, and some of you said you've been reading, hey, here I am.

Do you ever feel like you're hiding from something that everyone else knows about? Like it's a big giant secret to you, but it's a really obvious fact to everyone else and it's no big deal and no one cares and it's just part of you and yada yada yada I could go on and on, and everyone has probably felt that way?

What is insecurity Alex?  Emotions all people feel for 500 please...

I never realized how much a home is a representation of the people who live there...okay duh again. Today I found myself heavy with fatigue again. (I'll update on my health, but I'm not feeling it today)

When I find myself fatigued lately, I decide that it's important to start working on serious projects until I completely exhaust myself, projects I would otherwise delay if I were feeling better and would take Brock to the park, the gym (because we both love it there) or somewhere with kid fun. Does anyone else do this? Push yourself at the worst times?  I'll even do more chores when I'm sick. Tough on myself?

What are things parents do Alex?  Ways parents are tough on themselves for 1000 please...

Ok, enough Jeopardy references, sorry, you love the Trebek and you know it. So, there have been two instances in the last week that made me realize I've been hiding from 2 very simple facts that have probably been obvious to everyone else for a long time.

Ok are you ready for the admission?  It could be shocking for you (probably not)...  And, I'm not going to explain myself, how I got to this point, or where it came from. I'm simply going to state it...Are you sure you're ready?

Deep breath...

Whooo...

Ok...

I AM...A...STAY AT HOME PARENT.  Oh my gosh, I just said it.

I take care of my child, and guess what.  I HAVE A CHILD THAT LIVES IN MY HOME, and...

Ok...

Here goes...

MY HOUSE HAS TOYS IN IT!!!!!!

I'm not sure if any of you knew this, I've sort of left you clues, pictures, some other blogs about taking care of him. And there's that small fact that I am not employed right now (shhh disabled). You've probably put the puzzle together. But do you know that this past week is the first time I've ever said it without an explanation? And I was PRAISED for it?  I've always felt ashamed that I got sick and couldn't work. I always thought I was free-loading and putting my skills to waste. And I ran into my 7th grade English teacher, she said "What are you up to?" it flew right out of my mouth without any explanation. She said, "How wonderful, your son is so lucky to have such a smart mom home with him, it must be why he is so smart."

Huh?

I mean it's okay for everyone else who has made that decision, but, you see, I didn't really "make this choice" - so I felt like I could never take any credit. But for some reason, I guess the timer went off and I let myself take the credit. And you know, when she said this to me it felt WONDERFUL!

So, explanation or not, I'm a stay at home mom. I'm glad we finally got that clear.

Also, when our basement flooded I realized that I've been hiding the fact that there's a child in my home. I know...you're shocked!!!

You're surprised because: 1. I hate things to be untidy. 2. I've been so sick that it's been difficult to keep things straight so I put things in bins. 2. If you can't keep it clean, hide the mess.

Plus, if I keep enough things hidden when people visit, maybe no one would realize that I'm at home with a child, they might think I'm working, or forget that I work at home, right, because that's the way we really say it, right parents?

Never mind that there is in fact a child there! And we even play with him. But his belongings were previously kept to the basement and his room like a room for rent guest.

But once we had to move his stuff upstairs, it became REAL everywhere I looked that Brock lived everywhere in the house. He pretty much had access to everything now. He's here just as much as I am, right?

He real and he's large (seriously for a 2 year old he is), in charge, he's fast and he's dangerous (Brock smash!). And with that, there's this other piece, he's excited about everything. He cheers at letters, numbers, trees, and friends he knows. He's generous with love, he has likes and dislikes. He loves dogs and torturing our dog and loves bananas. He hugs and kisses both Grandmas and makes pizza disappear. He runs to Daddy when he comes home.  He randomly jumps in our laps, loves books (so much that he throws them in our faces when he wants us to read them, it hurts as much as it sounds.)

Sorry...

What is my child is a real person and has things in our house - and other people can see them?  Things I can't control anymore for 100 Alex.

Sometimes I think it's the simple truths. The truths we were handed or those things we think we have control over.(which is almost nothing) It's so hard to enjoy the ride sometimes, it seems like life is just so hard especially when everything else seems out of control. But every road block you're able to move out of the way, every letter learned, every fault recognized, every color understood, everything becomes so much more revealing. Life becomes new and the learning never ends.

So my confession is real, and I don't really care about any credit or criticism at this point. Brock and I keep learning, only our flashcards look a little different, but I try to act excited about the letters, trees and especially the dinosaurs :)