As soon as things get Better

Perfection isn't just for uptight 6th grade students in cardigans. (although I was one of them sitting right alongside my bestie.) When life-war rages all around you, Perfection becomes a living breathing planet that you are desperately trying to pack for, can't find your toothbrush for, can't figure out the weather for...

You just don't really have a concept for it, but you KNOW that once you get there, it's going to be much "Better" because you will have wiped all these crazy problems from your life and there's this hammock or a bed or a beach towel and you can lay there and it's just...ah...better.

And you talk about it with your family when you make plans. You speak about it like this non-existent place exists.

Yeah, I'll book those tickets as soon as things get better. I'll call her when things slow down and things get better.  We will be happier as soon as we can take a breath and just enjoy things, you know, when they are better?

So you know that there's no real punchline. There isn't a better.

I've been waiting on medication for I don't know how long now.. The insurance just won't approve it. So, I'm not feeling any better. We've been waiting on some other news and waiting and waiting, thinking, hoping and praying that this news should determine our direction. It should point us towards Better. But no answers.

This past Sunday was odd, not just because we were waiting desperately for HBO GOT, Silicon Valley and VEEP to come on. Before that, we spent some time outside as a family. It was really nice. Kiddo played in the grass and rubbed mud (hopefully not dog poop) all over his face. Randy looked peaceful - between full time work, full time school and his share of issues, looking peaceful is rare. But he had a moment. And the dog was making the kid laugh and the sun fell between the trees and I just watched above as the simple dance of those two trees transported me for a moment to Better. It was a quick visit, but it was nice - it was a very spiritual/star trek moment.  But like all good things, I got a text from Walgreens politely reminding me that I would NOT be receiving my medicine. Thanks

The good feeling didn't fade so quickly this time, I didn't let it. Randy had the day off today and even though nothing changed, we spent a lot of time talking on a walk. I'm so used to saying to him, "I just want you to be happy. I just want things to get better so life can start to get better."  But I stopped myself.

I said, "What if this is better? Are you happy? I mean we've been through an awful lot in the early years of marriage. We didn't lose our house, we keep finding our way back to each other. And we have the most amazingly hilarious 2 year old. He's happy and fun, and we love our family time."

Randy, like he always does, just said, "Yeah, well I try to be happy." He wasn't matching my intensity or this passion, this moment of awe.  I think he'd call this feeling "drama" "anxiety" "overthinking" but that's okay.  Back to my point...

My point is that things are going to get bad. They are also going to be awesome! It's important to grieve but it's so important not to miss that they can be going on at the same exact time. You could be missing your Better because you're focused on your worst.

It's not weak to wish for better things to happen or to want better lives with less issues and better health. I think it's just important to accept where you are and make the most of it.

I have a tendency to let life point me in a direction, lose sight that I have the choice not the other way around. Perfection does not have to be my destination I know that I can live in the moment. It's a daily struggle for me and easy to give in to self pity and let life lead me instead of the other way around. I wasn't always like this, especially when I was young. I meed to look back. You see it's that 6th grade girl in the cardigan I need to remember.  She's the one reading the choose your own adventure books! Too bad they didn't sink in!