As soon as things get Better

Perfection isn't just for uptight 6th grade students in cardigans. (although I was one of them sitting right alongside my bestie.) When life-war rages all around you, Perfection becomes a living breathing planet that you are desperately trying to pack for, can't find your toothbrush for, can't figure out the weather for...

You just don't really have a concept for it, but you KNOW that once you get there, it's going to be much "Better" because you will have wiped all these crazy problems from your life and there's this hammock or a bed or a beach towel and you can lay there and it's just...ah...better.

And you talk about it with your family when you make plans. You speak about it like this non-existent place exists.

Yeah, I'll book those tickets as soon as things get better. I'll call her when things slow down and things get better.  We will be happier as soon as we can take a breath and just enjoy things, you know, when they are better?

So you know that there's no real punchline. There isn't a better.

I've been waiting on medication for I don't know how long now.. The insurance just won't approve it. So, I'm not feeling any better. We've been waiting on some other news and waiting and waiting, thinking, hoping and praying that this news should determine our direction. It should point us towards Better. But no answers.

This past Sunday was odd, not just because we were waiting desperately for HBO GOT, Silicon Valley and VEEP to come on. Before that, we spent some time outside as a family. It was really nice. Kiddo played in the grass and rubbed mud (hopefully not dog poop) all over his face. Randy looked peaceful - between full time work, full time school and his share of issues, looking peaceful is rare. But he had a moment. And the dog was making the kid laugh and the sun fell between the trees and I just watched above as the simple dance of those two trees transported me for a moment to Better. It was a quick visit, but it was nice - it was a very spiritual/star trek moment.  But like all good things, I got a text from Walgreens politely reminding me that I would NOT be receiving my medicine. Thanks

The good feeling didn't fade so quickly this time, I didn't let it. Randy had the day off today and even though nothing changed, we spent a lot of time talking on a walk. I'm so used to saying to him, "I just want you to be happy. I just want things to get better so life can start to get better."  But I stopped myself.

I said, "What if this is better? Are you happy? I mean we've been through an awful lot in the early years of marriage. We didn't lose our house, we keep finding our way back to each other. And we have the most amazingly hilarious 2 year old. He's happy and fun, and we love our family time."

Randy, like he always does, just said, "Yeah, well I try to be happy." He wasn't matching my intensity or this passion, this moment of awe.  I think he'd call this feeling "drama" "anxiety" "overthinking" but that's okay.  Back to my point...

My point is that things are going to get bad. They are also going to be awesome! It's important to grieve but it's so important not to miss that they can be going on at the same exact time. You could be missing your Better because you're focused on your worst.

It's not weak to wish for better things to happen or to want better lives with less issues and better health. I think it's just important to accept where you are and make the most of it.

I have a tendency to let life point me in a direction, lose sight that I have the choice not the other way around. Perfection does not have to be my destination I know that I can live in the moment. It's a daily struggle for me and easy to give in to self pity and let life lead me instead of the other way around. I wasn't always like this, especially when I was young. I meed to look back. You see it's that 6th grade girl in the cardigan I need to remember.  She's the one reading the choose your own adventure books! Too bad they didn't sink in!

It's as plain as the dinosaur on your floor...

Miss me?

It's been a really long time since I've written. Well, that's the first thing I'll admit to, it's been a really long time since I've shared anything I've written. Maybe that's because I felt I couldn't be honest, but if you care at all, and some of you said you've been reading, hey, here I am.

Do you ever feel like you're hiding from something that everyone else knows about? Like it's a big giant secret to you, but it's a really obvious fact to everyone else and it's no big deal and no one cares and it's just part of you and yada yada yada I could go on and on, and everyone has probably felt that way?

What is insecurity Alex?  Emotions all people feel for 500 please...

I never realized how much a home is a representation of the people who live there...okay duh again. Today I found myself heavy with fatigue again. (I'll update on my health, but I'm not feeling it today)

When I find myself fatigued lately, I decide that it's important to start working on serious projects until I completely exhaust myself, projects I would otherwise delay if I were feeling better and would take Brock to the park, the gym (because we both love it there) or somewhere with kid fun. Does anyone else do this? Push yourself at the worst times?  I'll even do more chores when I'm sick. Tough on myself?

What are things parents do Alex?  Ways parents are tough on themselves for 1000 please...

Ok, enough Jeopardy references, sorry, you love the Trebek and you know it. So, there have been two instances in the last week that made me realize I've been hiding from 2 very simple facts that have probably been obvious to everyone else for a long time.

Ok are you ready for the admission?  It could be shocking for you (probably not)...  And, I'm not going to explain myself, how I got to this point, or where it came from. I'm simply going to state it...Are you sure you're ready?

Deep breath...

Whooo...

Ok...

I AM...A...STAY AT HOME PARENT.  Oh my gosh, I just said it.

I take care of my child, and guess what.  I HAVE A CHILD THAT LIVES IN MY HOME, and...

Ok...

Here goes...

MY HOUSE HAS TOYS IN IT!!!!!!

I'm not sure if any of you knew this, I've sort of left you clues, pictures, some other blogs about taking care of him. And there's that small fact that I am not employed right now (shhh disabled). You've probably put the puzzle together. But do you know that this past week is the first time I've ever said it without an explanation? And I was PRAISED for it?  I've always felt ashamed that I got sick and couldn't work. I always thought I was free-loading and putting my skills to waste. And I ran into my 7th grade English teacher, she said "What are you up to?" it flew right out of my mouth without any explanation. She said, "How wonderful, your son is so lucky to have such a smart mom home with him, it must be why he is so smart."

Huh?

I mean it's okay for everyone else who has made that decision, but, you see, I didn't really "make this choice" - so I felt like I could never take any credit. But for some reason, I guess the timer went off and I let myself take the credit. And you know, when she said this to me it felt WONDERFUL!

So, explanation or not, I'm a stay at home mom. I'm glad we finally got that clear.

Also, when our basement flooded I realized that I've been hiding the fact that there's a child in my home. I know...you're shocked!!!

You're surprised because: 1. I hate things to be untidy. 2. I've been so sick that it's been difficult to keep things straight so I put things in bins. 2. If you can't keep it clean, hide the mess.

Plus, if I keep enough things hidden when people visit, maybe no one would realize that I'm at home with a child, they might think I'm working, or forget that I work at home, right, because that's the way we really say it, right parents?

Never mind that there is in fact a child there! And we even play with him. But his belongings were previously kept to the basement and his room like a room for rent guest.

But once we had to move his stuff upstairs, it became REAL everywhere I looked that Brock lived everywhere in the house. He pretty much had access to everything now. He's here just as much as I am, right?

He real and he's large (seriously for a 2 year old he is), in charge, he's fast and he's dangerous (Brock smash!). And with that, there's this other piece, he's excited about everything. He cheers at letters, numbers, trees, and friends he knows. He's generous with love, he has likes and dislikes. He loves dogs and torturing our dog and loves bananas. He hugs and kisses both Grandmas and makes pizza disappear. He runs to Daddy when he comes home.  He randomly jumps in our laps, loves books (so much that he throws them in our faces when he wants us to read them, it hurts as much as it sounds.)

Sorry...

What is my child is a real person and has things in our house - and other people can see them?  Things I can't control anymore for 100 Alex.

Sometimes I think it's the simple truths. The truths we were handed or those things we think we have control over.(which is almost nothing) It's so hard to enjoy the ride sometimes, it seems like life is just so hard especially when everything else seems out of control. But every road block you're able to move out of the way, every letter learned, every fault recognized, every color understood, everything becomes so much more revealing. Life becomes new and the learning never ends.

So my confession is real, and I don't really care about any credit or criticism at this point. Brock and I keep learning, only our flashcards look a little different, but I try to act excited about the letters, trees and especially the dinosaurs :)