Timehop and my never ending love of the Neverending Story

So, things are better. Yay. Most of the time:)

Definitely on the right track. I should be happy, and I am, but sometimes I'm scared. It's not that I'm not happy, I'm thrilled, I'd take scared over sick and zombie-like any day of the week, and the scared feeling gets less as the progress gets better...but it's still scary.

You know that Timehop app? Well, that's an app designed for people who don't have scary stories,  don't have heartache, haven't gotten sick, haven't lost a job. (and beyond for sure, scarier stuff that I haven't had to deal with, like cancer, loss of a child, and worse, things I can't imagine and don't want to).

I'm now convinced that people with scary stories who originally naively downloaded that app have unfortunately unleashed a beast that is a ticking time bomb of the upcoming daily (and painful) reminders of all the stupid crap they've been through during those times.

But that's just the glass half empty version of the app right? What about the flip side?

If you have that silly app (which I do by the way, so I'm not app shaming you), you can also see how far you've come in a year or 6. I'm not talking about myself here necessarily but...Maybe they've lost 100 lbs? Run a 5k? Maybe a marathon? Finally made the move to the other side of the country? Kicked cancer's ass? Pulled themselves out of a terrible relationship? Changed careers? Finally got fertility treatments that worked and they are holding a sweet baby and now looking back on those distant struggles with a sigh of relief that it was all worth it. Were they were braver than they thought they could be?
Cue empowering music and montage of inspirational pictures slideshow here (Maybe Sara Barielles Brave?) - kidding.

I think one of the biggest flaws we have (as humans) is that we underestimate our ability to get out of the muck, take a big ole fat step out, scrape off our shoes and keep moving.  I think we focus so much on where we are we can't see beyond, we get blinded by the now.

In a past blog, I mentioned one of the greatest movies of all time (okay not really) The Neverending Story where Artax (the horse) dies in the swamp of sadness. Part of the reason people (and apparently horses) die in the swamp of sadness is because they can't get beyond their own heads, their own feelings to see beyond.

I have definitely lived in this place several times in my life. I've made bad choices and I've let things overwhelm me. I've felt sorry for myself, and what's weird about all of it is that the foggy nothingness has always felt the same. I've chosen the swamp of sadness and I can tell you it really didn't matter how severe the issue, perception was the reality.  My length of residency there was determined by how long I planned to stay focused on the muck not necessarily the issue. 

This time may be different. I don't know. I have good days and bad days. Some nights I have really bad dreams and they shake me for the whole day, some times they shake me for the week. I have dreams that I've missed meetings at work (my old job) and then I realize that it's all gone, no meetings to miss, no work to go to the next day. Sometimes I have dreams that I'll have a seizure in a crowd of people and everyone will laugh at me. And sometimes I wake up and cry. I get mad that all of this was "supposed to be over" it's supposed to be ending.  This was not supposed to be the "neverending story of struggle".  Whatever the anxiety, however I fear there will be betrayal, I get up and keep moving, I keep moving out of the muck.

There's a new reality in my life. I have epilepsy. I'm not going to die from it, but I have it. It's not going to dramatically change my life anymore, but it did. It took a lot of things from me. It took my job, it damaged some friendships. It put pressure on my marriage. Those are real things. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and I'm putting it out there because I think it's been helpful for me to be real and not hide from my truth. There are pictures of smiles and a cute kid and life, but life is real and pain is real and anyone who thinks Facebook and status updates are real, well frankly, you are very confused. My life is changed forever and I am changed. But I survived I am strong and it's the new normal. 

I also have a new joy. I had a serious medical scare, and it turned out it was only epilepsy and I'm not going to die from it. I am fortunate. The damage caused by those awful seizures and issues are hopefully behind me, great news!  Epilepsy isn't great and my life changed, but I've heard from and seen friends I haven't spoken with in some time. And that's kind of like hitting the friend jackpot all over again.  I've spent priceless time with my son, I saw him walk, heard his first words, played with him on the playground, stored up hugs and kisses galore. There's a yin and a yang to this time that I could never come close to comprehending at the beginning. 

At 35 years old, I'm a present participant in my life, I'm getting healthy, I'm safe and loved. I can't go back to my old life, and honestly, I don't want to. I still tear up when I think about some of the happy times I used to have building playgrounds and walking through the halls of my old job. I miss the freedom I used to have where I didn't worry about my body betraying me, and sometimes I'm sad about the hearing loss. But I've found a new joy, and a new hope that came with this suffering. And a new spiritual connection.

About a month ago I was looking through the Timehop app when I started to cry, I thought about the pain that was going to come in a year as I looked through pictures of last July/August when all of this happened back when everything hit really hard. I thought about deleting the app, I thought about hiding from the memories and trying to escape from it. But, as silly as it all is, looking back and facing it is helpful. Thinking about the transformation, even at this point, the changes and the strides I've made, the path I've chosen to take at this point. Looking back on those pictures where I suffered, now I can't think of anything more beautiful.

There's continued hope in healing, strength in struggle, and deeper compassion you can offer to others from experiencing that suffering.

Plus I've made a lot of ridiculous faces over the years and Parvesh has dressed up in ridiculous clothes and who wants to miss that?