Light

Things have been difficult. No lie.

Below are some photos from right before everything started, this is what I looked like:

Of course things changed this past summer...


And then it hit, and this is what I looked like:




















Sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words. I haven't taken many pictures of myself recently because I've felt as though there has been a light that has left my eyes and my face. It's a comment many people have shared with me. "You look a little bit better, but I can see it in your eyes."

I know that no one means anything negative and I have tried to focus on the positive, but it's been hard to deny that all of this experience which has taken it's toll on so many things, hasn't also taken it's toll on my face and my soul shining outward from within.

My husband and I recently decided that through all of this hard time we needed time to reconnect. We struggled through what that would look like. My parents came out and stayed with our little guy to give us a weekend to ourselves.  Baby Boy is almost 15 months and I've never been away from him unless I was in the hospital. Without a ton of details, (to be honest I don't want to be critical of the original plan) - but our plans got derailed and changed.  We found ourselves in Chicago, bags packed, car parked and in a bit of chaos. We were stuck in the midst of a decision of what to do.  We made a commitment to spend time together, but the original plan just wasn't going to work.

Here's what I love and hate about my husband (isn't that always the way?) He makes a decision and commits so fast it makes my head spin...I like to ponder, run it over a few times. But, he won and we quickly switched gears and went home that night. We took out one set of clothes from our suitcase and put in another set of clothes into our suitcase and got a quick night's sleep. We woke up found a hotel and drove to Starved Rock. Just like that, I had no time to ponder and no time to spend my typical "Barbara think way too much about it time." Just be. Just drive. No worrying.

There's a picture that we posted on Facebook and it actually looks like me pre-drama. My eyes are bright and I'm alert and happy. We were outside and birds were chirping and we walked hand in hand.  I remembered what fun was! And I remembered how EASY it was to have fun with my husband, how funny he is and how well he listens. Away from everything we were able to talk about our future and our past and how we fought through the last few months and that we were hopeful to be rounding the corner of this...hoping that there wouldn't be a relapse-but even if it happened, that we were still so happy with the progress.

It was like taking a step out of roaring rapids from a river before jumping right back in. We caught our breath, we danced around a fire, we ate great food, and got our strength back, knowing full well that it was temporary and more hard times were waiting in the morning - we knew we had to jump right back in. They weren't the same hard times, some things were getting easier. Now we are facing the aftermath, picking up pieces, deciding how to handle the "moving on" part. The new clarity or lack there of...

After coming back I thought of nothing better than supporting my husband with something he loves most, his friends. We planned our last evening away with his friends, which I helped to madly coordinate via text on the way home. They aren't just his friends, they're our friends. Friends who have become family. During this experience they've all visited, helped, asked, offered, been there. They are my family too. I know why they are so important to him. Oddly, I ran into another very special friend while we were out as well, a previous coworker-I actually almost asked to join us!  It was just fortuitous, as I move forward and realize the people who really made an effort that didn't even know me very well.

I'd like to tell you this is all over, I can tell you that I got good EEG results. Yay! But, there's a little more to the story, and I don't even know what that is yet.  Just know that I am always working on it, I'm truly finding peace in my everyday.

When we were "hiking" in Starved Rock, there was one thing I noticed during our walks surrounded in nature. (I shared this with my husband, but sometimes I think he thinks I've lost my mind a little sitting at home, all in my head getting all spiritual and growing and stuff.)  Here's what I realized: all of the plant life, the flowers and trees that were dead there, (I was looking at them all on the first day of spring), all of those dead leaves that were there under the piles of snow that have now resurfaced. Everything was laying there just waiting. It's all been in waiting mode, waiting to come back. It's been building back up-gearing up for the next stage. Some of the plants won't come back at all, they will die, they won't have enough life to make it. Some of them won't be strong enough. But some of them, somehow, will be stronger than ever, brighter than ever, greener than ever, and bolder than ever.  The winter will have done nothing to stop them from being more than than they were before the winter came...

This is what I aspire to be.