I think about past summer's that I slept through. Probably sucked in a bunch of radon from a Cincinnati basement (who knew back then) eating Coco Pebbles for lunch, well because it was 11am, turning on the TV and being blinded by the light streaming in from the window wells. There were Schwan creamsicles in the fridge and the sun came up and went down and the days wasted away. Some days my parents were frustrated with my lack of interest in, well, anything. And I'd think, maybe I should do, something, maybe I should find a way to help others or well "be better" or more active. But then I'd get tired and take a nap.
I'd lie if this didn't happen a few times, like a couple of years. I mean school wasn't exactly difficult and life was pretty easy. I loved soccer, I had friends, it's all sort of a big mind gloop of easy. And I'd sit in the backyard on my swing-set and dream of getting older and all the "fun" of growing up. Thinking about being old (like 26) probably have a few kids by then. I'd probably drive a convertible, be an executive with a car phone, have 2 weimaraners (Lucy and Ethel). Beyond that superficiality, you'll be proud to know that I thought about a little bit more. I imagined holidays and laughter, a life full of love, family and friends, (the fantasy would continue.)
And most of us don't get the exact swing-set dream. Life doesn't play like the movie in our 9 year old minds. Life finds a way to reroute our plans, we move off course. And it's proven how little control we have, that our dreams have value but - they are just dreams.
Each time life has a detour, we have a choice. We can fight and get angry that we didn't get to go on the original path or we can look around and see the sights and enjoy the images of the detour and try to appreciate it for what it is and where it sends you.
Recently, my mom and I went to Atlanta to visit my brother for a short trip. We expected the GPS to send us on a direct trip through the major expressways and get us there directly. Unfortunately, the GPS got mixed up and sent us on a wild ride through all of the back towns and twisted roads and old farms and Americana that is South Carolina. Honestly, I was so frustrated, I kept yelling..loudly, "Where are we?" (I'm a great mom). It was going to take forever to get there. I couldn't control the car, I couldn't navigate, I couldn't see what was coming around each corner. I was so used to the straight path of the expressway. I wanted to go faster, and this route forced me to get passed by every car. It also gave me the opportunity to see the vast landscape and the towns that have thrived and those that died. There are some beautiful sites there. But, I was terrified, it took awhile and I was tense all of the way to the expressway because I had to navigate through every turn. Even with some of the beauty, I swore there was no way I would take that route on the way back, there was no way I wanted to be detoured in the dark, it would slow me down again AND I would be scared!
Well, I didn't take that route on the way back, I ended up with a much more twisty, much more complicated route. My mom was actually joking with me! Before it got dark though, there was a beautiful sunset that happened right over the scenery, and I'm sure we would have missed it if we hadn't gone on this detour mishap. But make no mistake, I was freaking out and terrified.
I think that detour helped me think about this last year and my struggle with epilepsy and all of the aftermath. It was awful, unexpected and terrifying. It wasn't the only detour, but it was, in fact, one of the scariest moments yet. It doesn't mean there haven't been my own "sunsets." It doesn't mean I haven't been taught something from this year, that I haven't been able to see things in others, in myself, about life because things slowed down. People surprised me in ways I never expected. And it doesn't mean I wasn't angry, sad and disappointed.
Now, I've had a little distance with those years I've wasted, I'm really grateful that I had them to "waste." I'm really happy that I took some time to rest and dream. Adult life is hard. I'd like to think I was resting up and gearing up for some of these crazy adventures I'd face, like, somehow concession stand pool pizza and ice cream truck red white and blue popsicles could have been my power foods like a mushroom is to Mario.. (This could totally be seen as an excuse, but I'm still saying it.)
Imaging the drive in S.C. and the scary detour, the winding roads and my mom taunting me from the passenger seat telling me "this is how every horror movie begins" as the roads went completely dark and it started to rain. Now the fear becomes a laugh and joke, and years from now we will tell the story to Brock and delight him in the drama that he was too little to understand from the backseat of the car.
A year after one of the toughest times for me, I can tell you it's not laughable, I'm not ready to do again, It's tough to think about. Not being able to function, multiple seizures a day, struggling, all of it. It's taught me something. It taught me that the swing-set dream (although the numbers were pretty far off) the rest of it was pretty accurate. I dreamt of a life full of love, family and friends. And over the last year it's been proven to me over and over again that's exactly what I have. The frustration of letting go, taking it in and letting life be what it is, an experience, a moment. None of it is wasted because it's an experience and I've realized that I have the choice to let go and and enjoy the moment or fight and and be angry. Letting go of the anger has been the greatest gift once I've found some strength to try it. Some days are easier than others, sometimes something in life jumps up and reminds me of the pain. There's loss and struggle and so much to think about. But there is so much to be grateful for...so much to be proud of and so much to continue to grow from. And no matter what happens each and every day there's a sunset.
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