I have a confession, I've had a secret plan all along. I had a big reveal planned. I've told some of you that I haven't had any seizures so far this year. I was really stoked for a "6 months no seizures" sign to post on my Facebook page and the Epilepsy Support Page. It's actually a really exciting moment for anyone with epilepsy, and in many situations it's the beginning of freedom, the moment you can drive, the moment you are considered "controlled" the moment you are considered "healthy."
I wanted that for myself.
I wanted to share that with you, and post that in a huge celebratory way.
It's how this story was supposed to go.
But...(I think you already know where this is heading...)
Last Tuesday night, after going almost 5 months without a seizure, my body betrayed me, and it happened.
...
Randy and I both tried to talk ourselves out of the negative spin as fast as we could - we unwound ourselves as fast as we could. But my tears couldn't keep up and the thought that I failed and my plan failed and retracing all of my steps, my diet, my sleep, my stress, everything.
What had I done differently?
How had I caused this?
My plan was ruined.
My big reveal spoiled.
I kept thinking I was going to make it to that "easy place" you know...It's that moment where you ride your bike, you are at the top of a hill right before you start going down I also think about it like a runner. There's that runner's euphoria and at a certain point in a long run there's a high and it carries you. You've done the hardest part, and then there's a moment where you get a lift and you get carried, there's something of an "easy place" and it's where the work pays off...
I thought that I could control this, I thought if I put the work in, I'd get there.
I think that's called bargaining, it's definitely trying to control something I don't have any control over. I've thought about it over the last few days. I'm in a better place and I'm able to focus on what I've gained so much more than what I've lost. This seizure was another reminder that I can't put life on a timetable. I've always tried to plan so many things, pretty much down to the minute.
I've focused on the positive, and sometimes I think it's because I thought there was this reward at the end, like if I was positive then I'd get to "healthy" or that epilepsy would be resolved. I thought I was smart enough or tough enough or just stubborn enough to work through this and it would be done, and I will have made it.
Sound familiar? I think back to my very first post.
I'm a fan of the theory that if you don't learn from past mistakes you'll often repeat them. I'm not saying that it's why I had a seizure but it's definitely a moment to take a look and figure out my expectations. Am I living with this? Or am I trying to fix this? I am not superhuman! I can not cure all things. I can not Type A everything into happy. In fact, I think the whole point is that I was Type A'ing everything into frustration and disappointment (disclaimer - not all Type A people do this, I am just talking about myself.)
So, now I'm starting over, not with a count, because - well that is sort of pointless. At this point I can drive a little. No one is taking my license away right now - today, who knows about tomorrow and I'm getting to take my kid to the library and to the park. I'm starting over with expectations. I guess this is part of my life now. It's like a freckle on my face I'm going to have to get used to looking at everyday now.
Stupid Epilepsy.
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