What you do and Who you are

Imagine that someone walks up to me and says, "Hello, how are you, who are you really?"

That never happens. Weird right?  Who am I?

They would never say that, instead they say, "What do you do?"

It's so awkward for me now that I have lost my job. :(

It used to roll of the tongue.  Okay, I'll be real, sometimes I did, I kind of bragged, I mean, I was sort of proud to be an Executive Director of some really cool Y's.  I'm flawed, I'll admit it.

Now what? Now I say, "I used to be an Executive Director?"

Blegh! (my throw-up face here)

When I say it, I feel like I've plastered one of those old worn out bumper stickers on my car that says, "My child is on the school Honor Roll," but now that kid is 25.  It's just weird that I've let it hang around so long.



But it wasn't that long ago.  What's the limit here?  How long should I keep it hanging around? How long is that a part of who I am/was? Was it ever really part of my identity? I mean I spent almost 14 years of my life in service, and I mean IN SERVICE to the Y. I've managed to collect some really amazing friends, and left behind some not so amazing people - sorry but that's the truth. Don't we all feel that way?

So now what? I mean a lot of people lose a job, but I know right where I left mine. I didn't do anything to deserve losing mine. I just got sick. I feel the full range, I'm kind of angry that it happened, I kind of feel abandoned, I kind of feel like I need to find myself and all of that...

But now that second question is just hanging out there...

WHO AM I????

It's like after 14 years, I've been letting someone else define me:

I am a Membership Director (see attached job description)
I am a Senior Program Director (see attached job description)
I am an Executive Director (see attached job description)...

and some days I'm so hungry to get back to work and define my next step but shortly after I realize that I'm just trying to avoid answering that question.

I know, I know, as everyone keeps reminding me, and I know it's true...I can't go back...still not better. (Hanging head) Thanks for reminding me.

Now, I just drip my sad all over the place. And drag my big fat question around like security blanket.

I have no idea how to define myself.

The faith side in me wants to tell you I'm defined by my faith.  But, I don't really feel that way right now. I don't have a defined direction.  The mother in me wants to tell you that I'm defined enough as a parent right now and can let my child be enough, but it can't be everything, and it's not supposed to be. The wife in me wants to tell you that I can devote myself to my family, but again, there needs to be more...

And to be completely honest, at 35 years old, I will tell you that I have absolutely no idea how to make myself happy. 

I can't even tell you how hard it was to type that last sentence.  And not just to put it out there into the blogosphere, or into the world...but to admit it to myself. It's a realization that's been coming on since I lost my job in November. It's then that my world started to slow down when my hearing started to go and quiet started to settle in. You see it's when the quiet settles in that you really start to listen and you hear how dissatisfied you are with yourself.

When you're alone a lot, or even hanging out with a 1 year old and a dog keeping you busy, you do a lot of thinking, there's a lot of inner monologue.  Sometimes it can do a lot of good and sometimes it can do a lot of damage.  It really is a roller-coaster and the last 6 months have tested my ability to "go with the flow." Plus, grace - not my best trait, like I said earlier - flawed.  The one thing I know is that before I can even start to answer the question "Who am I?", I have several other questions I need to answer. I've realized that it's the only way to start, or just like in the game of Sorry, my little pawn is just going to get knocked back to home over and over again. It's definitely more complicated, but I've never been shy of hard work. See, there's a positive trait.  I'm working on it!

There's also something interesting about my current job. (actually I'll say that I have two full time jobs right now). The first job is getting healthy. And part of that is a lot of paperwork. Paperwork for a disability claim is a nightmare, if you've ever had to do it, let me be the first to say, I am so sorry.

The second job I have is the one I am really talking about, my job as a stay at home mom. I'm also going to admit something, (don't hate me), I'm one of those working moms who didn't understand what stay at home moms did all day.  Yeah...I suck. Sorry. But, I'm getting to the appreciation part, so hold on.  And being a parent is difficult as it is but this is stretched across the entire day and then work week.  It's just more exhausting. But it's not only a job, it's a daily love letter to your kid. Each and every day, no matter how tired, not matter how sick, you get up, you smile, you give 100%. There are ways to sneak by in other jobs and give a little less, walk around a little more, extra conversations with coworkers, extra long lunches. Nope, not with this job, and definitely not when you can't drive and build out a little variety to your day. I've never known the depth of my heart until I was given this job, and the job description is only one sentence long. Love your kid until you drop.

I was never really sure about staying home before, even though I always imagined what it would be like when I was a working mom.  In my mind, there were no achievements, no awards. In my work life, I often liked the moments of beating my budgets or program innovation. I liked adding accomplishments to my resume and sometimes getting my picture in the paper.  In my stay at home mom job, there are now flashes of virtual photographs that get stored in my memory. I'm not talking about real photographs, although you do get more of those, but you can't have your phone on you all of the time, and plus, these virtual photographs are better. They hold more than an image, they hold emotion too. There are flashes of smiles and tears and holding a fork for the first time. There are flashes of hugs and random moments of putting on shirts and tickling feet and sweet deep breaths from naps.  There are firsts of amazing weeks where book pages were turned for the first time and sippy cups were mastered. I was there for these moments and can tuck those feelings away for a future time and find them whenever I need my son close to me.  And all of his achievements are way more important than anything I could ever put on a resume or see in the paper.  I didn't ever see this coming, I never expected to get this job, I didn't put a suit on or interview, I definitely didn't expect to have it thrust upon me, but it's pretty amazing that in this process where I've lost so much my son was able to gain the most amazing thing, me.

Recently, someone asked me what I wanted most for my son, what aspirations I had for him.  If I had one wish for him, what would I want him to be? Would I want him to be a musician?  A famous writer?  Go to Harvard? An actor? Be an athlete like LeBron James?  My answer is simple, and it's true.  I want only one thing for my son and I'll do whatever I can to help him figure it out. I want my son to be able to do the one thing I could not figure out by the age of 35, I want him to figure out how to be happy and I want him to do that for as long as he can. I know everything else will fall into place and it's the only thing worth having. How quickly he reads, test scores, whether or not he goes to Harvard and all the rest of it, well, there are enough parents worried about all that.  The world definitely doesn't need one more.