I changed the name of my blog and the description because it didn't really match my experience. It's not just about healing. I think it's all about accepting the constant change, or the temporary new normal, growing and learning, then getting ready for the next phase.
I'm not a very serious person, but I have serious thoughts. I think way, way, too much. So much, in fact, that it can send me into spiral after spiral of anxiety and worry and scenarios and possibilities. In other words, if you think I'm a "go with the flow" type of girl, I've got you fooled pretty darn well.
There's this thing about people who are chronic "over-thinkers" (this is just my opinion, I have no research to back any of this crap up, just human observation) but I think it's because we think we have influence and control over the outcome. So, we run through scenarios about what we think we CAN control that can influence the outcome. I've sort of run through this before, it's why I'm an awful backseat driver.
But recently, I was in therapy (I still think ick to that every time I type it - just for me - not for anyone else) and my therapist was listening (very lucratively) to me drone on and on about scenario after scenario. He told me to stop a minute.
He said, "You're a very smart person, and from what I know of you so far you seem to make really good decisions and choices. You react well to your environment and you can handle things that come your way, What would it like look like if you detached yourself from the outcomes?"
DETACHED MYSELF FROM THE OUTCOMES????
I was mad at first, it was like a reflex, because that means that all the time I spent preparing and worrying and planning and setting things up would be pointless. And my brain eased into his suggestion and I felt good, like after a massage good. What would it look like? Better yet, what would it feel like?
How would I fill all of that time? LOL? How would I relieve stress? I mean the most effective way I dealt with stress was to OVER PREPARE for outcomes. Then I would relax(ish). And the more stress the more over-preparing.
I've been thinking about that -meditating - praying about it for a while now. And then I found my favorite stress reliever.
Before I get into that, let me say that I am not that great at detaching from outcomes I struggle daily...I am really really really working on it. We took our son to our friend's house a while back and there's a lake there. I dressed my son, in goggles, water shoes, a life jacket - the works. He could barely walk in 1 feet of water. LOL. It was so me. I took almost everything off and the situation drastically improved. I was over-planned and definitely over-parenting.
Recently, we've gotten a new puppy, I won't even get into how stressful that's been. Anyone whose ever had a puppy can relate. If you have ever had a puppy and a baby at the same time and want to cry with me, feel free to give me a call.
My initial reaction was to over-plan, over-train, set crazy expectations. Everyone should get along, get on a schedule - make life easy, perfect outcomes! It won't be easy, but as long as I stay ahead of the situation and put my typical perfection plan in place all will be okay ---- lies ALL LIES!!
You see, even though we had a new puppy, the other dog decided to throw up everywhere for 3 days, in-between pillows, all over, including on me! The baby got sick, a terrible sinus infection. Randy and I were up every few hours letting the pup out to go to the bathroom, so we were exhausted, and then we both got sick. Oh yeah, and I have epilepsy so I've been adjusting to a new medication dosage that's zapped my energy and made me sick. In other words, no way to control this outcome.
So, when I could finally get it together and buy enough resolve to cover all of the throw up and pee stains on the carpet, I got the baby in the car and escaped to take him to the park. And that's when I figured out what really makes me feel better.
(I preface this next part with a sincere request that I am not looking for any praise or credit, it's just what makes me feel better. I'm not trying to look "holier-than-thou" or better than anyone else. If you think it's something that helps you, by all means go for it, if it's not your thing, no judgement here.)
So, when I could barely pick up my head and I was thinking about how I was barely going to get through the day, I pulled into Starbucks. I remembered that last Christmas, it was kind of a "thing" to buy the drink of the order behind you. So, I did it. And I giggled pulling away from the drive thru. And then I did it somewhere else, once again, giggling and thinking about the look on his/her face laughing to myself and wondering how far that little act of kindness might go. I'd have my husband pay the bill and secretly leave extra cash tips on the table when we went out to eat. And I'd smile to myself. The thing is, it started to distract me from how frustrated and sick I was...
There's another act of kindness that's really fun, but almost impossible to escape. You see, I don't have a lot of opportunities to schedule hair cuts so when I get a moment I usually go to the quick convenience places, where you don't have to wait very long. I find that people who work there are really kind, they like to talk, and generally work really hard. I always tip them 100% of the bill. I know it seems that most of these are about money but they don't have to be.
Then I went to the park with my son. We were there about a half hour when a woman was running around frantically. No one else seemed to care. I walked over to her and asked her if she needed help. She said her son was missing. Brock and I stopped what we were doing, I picked him up and instantly began searching after she described what he was wearing. Luckily, I found him in a tree. I tried to escape before the mom could thank me, but we didn't get away. She was extremely grateful and looked at me awkwardly for stopping to help. I told her I couldn't imagine how terrifying that would be.
More and more opportunities started coming my way in random places. People who just needed to talk about a raccoon in their attic, a daughter undergoing surgery, a man who's son who happens to have autism and became a star on his varsity basketball team, a woman who gave up a high-powered career to stay home with her kids after her husband died of cancer. A new parent. Listening to them was the kindness they needed. It seemed so random, it never happened so often before. Sometimes at the end of our conversations it was odd, almost like I should get a phone number, or stay in touch, but the moment wasn't about that, it was about a brief moment of kindness. And we parted ways...
It's like a kindness ding-dong-ditch.
